// Because I’m so bored I’ll do it//

• 1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

        That whole love/hate thing confuses the fuck out of me.

• 2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

            No

• 3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

            Yep

• 4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

            Yes, but if they screw it up they rarely get a second chance

• 5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

            Trying to work out if there was any way forward (there wasn’t)

• 6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

               God, cos it would need a miracle for me to be able to walk down the road

• 7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

               Walk away

• 8: Are you close with your dad?

               Yes, more so as the years have passed

• 9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

               Wrong

• 10: What are you listening to?

                 The thruming of the fan on my cooling pad

• 11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

                 water

• 12. Do you like hickeys?

                Hell no, I grew out of that shit years ago

• 13: What time do you go to bed?

                 I live in bed 24/7

• 14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

                 So called friends, the now ex and occasionally family

• 15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

                 I don’t text much at all

• 16: Do you always answer your texts?

                 No.. it depends on my mood and the message

• 17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

                 *See 1, what are you confused about right now

• 18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

                  Thursday night

• 19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

                 Yes, the nieces

• 20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

                 A mixture of fuck you bitch and “I cant believe I did that”

• 21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

                 Just my dog

• 22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

                 Yep and karma can be a complete bitch

• 23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

                 Yep, I was blissfully unaware of certain realities

• 24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

                 No, not now, move forward, no regrets

• 25: In the past week, have you cried?

                 Inside yes, but not outwardly

• 26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

                 I’m not wearing one, I don’t wear clothes

• 27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

                 Not since school

• 28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

                 Fuck knows, and who cares anyway

• 29: Do you have a best friend?

                 Yep

• 30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

                 No

• 31: Who was your last call from?

                  My mother

• 32: Are you mad at anyone?

                 The ex

• 33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

                 Of course

• 34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

                 24

• 35: How many more days until your birthday?

                 Fuck knows, its months away

• 36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

                 Different day, same old shit

• 37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

                 Most of my close friends are female

• 38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

                 yes

• 39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

                 Yes

• 40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

                Yes, bad ashtray breath and I smoke myself lol

• 41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

                 Not once both are past 18

• 42: Are you available?

                 Yep

• 43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

                 4

• 44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

                 Nipples

• 45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

                 That rarely works

• 46: Do you regret anything?

                 How long you got?, not not really

• 47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

                 How long I can resist re activating my facebook

• 48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

                 Yes 2, one died the other walked away

• 49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

                 you could say that

• 50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

                  Cos shes so far away

• 51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

                 Hell no

• 52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

                Hell no

• 53: What was the last thing you ate?

                 A piece of cod

• 54: Did you get any compliments today?

                 No

• 55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

                 Vacations don’t exist for me

• 56: Do you own anything from other countries?

                Yes odds and ends from Brazil & Mexico

• 57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

                 Girls

• 58: Where have you lived most of your life?

                  The town I’m in right now

• 59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

                 10 years ago

• 60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

                 who hasn’t

• 61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

                 No

• 62: Who do you text the most?

                 I dont

• 63: What was the last movie you saw?

                  At a theatre? Twister.. that long ago

• 64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

                  I dont have one

• 65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2010?

                 0

• 66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

                Yes

• 67: Do you curse around your parents?

                 Fuck yeah, its my home I speak as I like

• 68: Are you happy with where you live?

                 I love my little corner of happiness

• 69: Do you collect anything?

                 Guitars, nudes,camera gear, old B&W movies

• 70: What’s your favourite colour?

                 I don’t have one, but hate pink

• 71: Does the last song you listened to remind you of anyone?

                 The ex, but in a “fuck this its over” way

• 72: Has anyone ever cheated on you?

                 Yep

• 73: What are your plans for tomorrow?

                  Different day, same old shit

• 74: Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one?

                 Only one left now, the other two died

• 75: Does your last ex have a job?

                  Teacher/ semi pro slut

• 76: What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship?

                  I wouldn’t give a shit

• 77: Where is your cellphone?

                  Beside me

• 78: What colour is your cellphone?

                 Black iphone

• 79: What did you dream of last night?

                 All kinds of crazy shit

• 80: Are you atheist?

                 No, I believe in God

• 81: Will you change your name when you get married?

                 I wont be getting married again

• 82: Are you ready for autumn weather?

                 Bring it on, I love autumn

• 83: Have you had any big storms recently?

                 No, not big ones sadly

• 84: What kind of bottoms are you wearing?

                 None, I told you I don’t wear clothes, just a duvet

// Agent picolax has a friend…..//

and its called… Thornton’s diabetic chocolates.

Some will remember my post on agent Picolax’s legendary bowl emptying powers, well I had a visit from its friend today.

My darling niece decided to buy uncle a couple of small bags of Thornton’s diabetic chocolates for his birthday, I thought at the time how sweet it was for her to think and make the effort to get something I could eat.

Well after a bit of a celebration yesterday and a room full of family messing around and having a laugh (don’t ask about the grape!) I was finally left on my own late last night feeling worn out and distinctly peckish.

I picked up the bag of chocolates and read the label, hmm fine for diabetics, no added sugar, but nothing about Krakatoa’s cousin’s residing within, just a little note that for those not used to it, the sweetener used can have a mild laxative effect…..

MILD!!??? who the hell tests this stuff, they must have a ring piece the size of the Dartford tunnel!! …

I off course quaffed the whole packet as it was only tiny, and followed it with another, nice, a slight after-taste, but nice all the same.

I stayed up till dawn then slipped off into a nice gentle slumber until 2pm this afternoon, when I woke on feeling the bed moving and hearing a terrible noise, I thought it was an earthquake, but…. it wasn’t… it was my ‘arris.. blowing about a 12.5 on the sphincter scale!!

I chuckled to myself (as you do on giving birth to something on that volume scale) but just as I finished chuckling I felt that familiar gripping sensation and recoiled slightly as another rent the air.

This was to become a familiar pattern over the next 8 hours as around every minute the behemoth my ‘arris had become erupted in full voice.

20 mins in, the dog legged it, 40 mins in I had to open all the windows, 1 hr in and I cant remember whether I threw the duvet off myself or blew the damn thing off!!

By 6pm I knew I couldn’t risk eating anything and the carer was alternately laughing herself silly and running to get out of the blast radius!.

My brother turned up and very quickly left saying he would come back “when you’ve tamed that bugger”.

Sadly just after the carer left the inevitable happened and with me hanging onto the bedsheets for dear life another explosion that felt like it was going to send my prostate to Holland the quick way, ripped through the air to my cry of “oh crap” and then I did.. all over the damn bed..thus was to begin Phase two..

Phase one had obviously been to try and blow anything and everything either within me or a 10ft radius of my dangerous end, to hell and probably back again.

Phase two was wring the bugger dry and destroy the commode..

I have never been on and off the damn thing so much in my life, if I had gaffa tape I would have cut out the middle man and just stuck the ruddy thing to my arris and had done with it..

by 7pm I was out of bog roll, by 8pm the towels where used up and I was on the phone to mummy…” for gods sake help me… and bring a cork.. a ruddy big one..” another griping pain hit me and as I threw myself at the remains of the commode… I exploded mid air.. the dog snarled and growled at me and as I landed with more of a horrible squelch than I thud, I just gave up and collapsed forward onto the bed.

20 mins later that’s where I was found, to weak and battered to get up again.

Luckily things have calmed somewhat over the last couple of hours, I had drunk plenty of water during its assault and after eating a small meal silence has once again returned.

I still feel like I’ve done 20 rounds with mike tyson plus Mandy’s “bunker buster” butt plug,and I’m sure I no longer have a prostate problem, in fact I’m not sure I still have a prostate!!

I’m now trying to build up the strength in my arms and hands so I can strangle the niece tomorrow!!

// Ian meets…. the retarded postman//

A challenging experience with the postman..

Now don’t get me wrong my posties are brilliant but this one, well lets just say I have no clue how he got or keeps the job.

Please note his replies where in a slow drawl, so slow that were he a car it would take 3 miles for him to stop after seeing a red light!

Buzzer rings, I pick up handset and tell him to come in when I buzz, 5 mins later he still hasn’t come in. I have to resort to shouting to tell him I cant come to the door he will have to come in. maybe he thought the voice from the box in the wall was one of the ones in his head?
He has a signed for package so asks me to print my name, I tell him I cant so he offers to fill it in for me and then…. wait for it… he asks me what my name is.. I tell him there’s a huge clue on the address label that’s on the parcel.
He then tells me I should “keep up your hopes… think of Christopher reeve”, I reply I don’t think he’s cause for much hope.. “whys that” comes the reply.. me - well he’s fucking dead for starters mate!!
He then goes to leave, WITH the parcel he came in to deliver, I had to actually tell him he was supposed to leave it.
Then to cap it all he walks across my front garden to the patio door and rings the buzzer there..
“is this number X?” me-no its number XX, “oh I think I just saw you,” me - you only think you just saw me?, “oh yeah I did, thanks”.
I was really struggling to not laugh, and slightly worried they are letting him drive!

// A few thoughts//

I’ve regressed, gone back to childhood in a way.
I guess its inevitable when you rely on others for everything, I now have several “mothers” who take care of my physical needs, they feed me, wash me, change my bedding, make sure I have what I need and empty my “potty” for me.
Yet the one thing I need from childhood eludes me, that feeling of safety, warmth and peace that could be found in three words, “there, there, there”, they and the outstretched arms that accompanied them had the power to vanquish the fear and make anything better in an instant.

I delight in things as I did when I was a child, the withdrawal of access to everything outside of arms and remote control reach for so long has once more allowed them to become things of wonder and in my case wistful memory.
I miss and long for silly little things that would make most laugh, sun on my skin, damp grass underfoot, a summers breeze through what remains of my once glorious hair, the smell of the river, the sound of it rushing over the weir and gurgling in the pool beyond.
I swear someone is going to be made to dig up a turf, bring it in and place it under my feet this summer.

My day is not ruled or broken by routine but follows my bodies needs, when hungry I eat, when tired I sleep, the actual time of these events doesn’t matter, often I don’t know what day it is until I check on the computer, even the natural delineation of day and night eludes me at times.
Time itself has become insignificant, it passes and washes around me as I lay motionless, I feel like the time machine of H.G Wells fame, sitting still whilst everything goes on around me at breakneck speed. It’s almost like I exist outside of it.Yet at the same time its taken a toll on my body beyond my linear years, it feels like its aging so very fast, I can feel it happening day by day.

The cogs are still turning, albeit more slowly, rust and wear has crept into the machine, the wiring’s shot. So I grind along more slowly these days taking joy and enjoyment where I can find them, they are my primary focus these days.

Its 7 am, I seem to be off on another world time zone trip, its the only way I can travel you see ;-)