// A few thoughts//
I’ve regressed, gone back to childhood in a way.
I guess its inevitable when you rely on others for everything, I now have several “mothers” who take care of my physical needs, they feed me, wash me, change my bedding, make sure I have what I need and empty my “potty” for me.
Yet the one thing I need from childhood eludes me, that feeling of safety, warmth and peace that could be found in three words, “there, there, there”, they and the outstretched arms that accompanied them had the power to vanquish the fear and make anything better in an instant.
I delight in things as I did when I was a child, the withdrawal of access to everything outside of arms and remote control reach for so long has once more allowed them to become things of wonder and in my case wistful memory.
I miss and long for silly little things that would make most laugh, sun on my skin, damp grass underfoot, a summers breeze through what remains of my once glorious hair, the smell of the river, the sound of it rushing over the weir and gurgling in the pool beyond.
I swear someone is going to be made to dig up a turf, bring it in and place it under my feet this summer.
My day is not ruled or broken by routine but follows my bodies needs, when hungry I eat, when tired I sleep, the actual time of these events doesn’t matter, often I don’t know what day it is until I check on the computer, even the natural delineation of day and night eludes me at times.
Time itself has become insignificant, it passes and washes around me as I lay motionless, I feel like the time machine of H.G Wells fame, sitting still whilst everything goes on around me at breakneck speed. It’s almost like I exist outside of it.Yet at the same time its taken a toll on my body beyond my linear years, it feels like its aging so very fast, I can feel it happening day by day.
The cogs are still turning, albeit more slowly, rust and wear has crept into the machine, the wiring’s shot. So I grind along more slowly these days taking joy and enjoyment where I can find them, they are my primary focus these days.
Its 7 am, I seem to be off on another world time zone trip, its the only way I can travel you see ;-)